Vivando (Soundtrack of my Life--kind of)

       It's party day at my house today.  The wife of one of my nephews just graduated from her master's degree program and my wife's family will be gathering for another carne asada cook-out.  The illustrious scholar's mother has even come all the way from China to be a part of this week's festivities.  It will be an international gathering of sorts with conversations in English, Spanish, and some form of Chinese--I'm not sure exactly which dialect.

       This will the second party in the past two weeks.  Last Saturday we gathered at my brother-in-law's house to celebrate his (and my wife's) father's 92nd birthday.  Papa loves his parties and we have one every year for him.  I'm sure he's already thinking about his next birthday party of May 2017.

        So what I'm saying is that festivities and the preparations for them are keeping me pretty busy of late.   I'll keep this post short and I'll wish you a very happy week-end.  Then, of course, there's the long Memorial Day week-end starting this coming Friday for those of us in the United States.  Right now I've got no specific plans, but I'm sure something is bound to come up.

         Gotta go!  But I'll leave you with a little tune.  I was saving this to use in a Soundtrack of My Life post, but you know something?   This current post is part of my life and this is an apt song to go along with what's going on...







          Do you host many parties at your house?    Is anyone in your family celebrating a graduation of any kind?   Do you have a family member whose birthday is celebrated in big fashion each and every year?

N-Number of siblings (#atozchallenge)

Number of Siblings...

       My family was kind of divided into two eras in a manner of speaking.   My sister and I were born at the beginning of the 50's while my other brothers and my other sister were of the 60's.  Actually, I have a twin brother and sister who were born in June of 1959, but that means their early years were mostly in the 60's.   Another brother--the last child that my parents had--was born near the end of 1962.

        What this span comes down to is that when my sister Joy and I were in high school, my other siblings were all little kids still in elementary school.  I helped take care of them when they were babies and they annoyed me as they got older.  By the time I had left home as an adult they were in high school leading lives that I didn't know much about.

        Having a bunch of siblings was nice back then and it's nice now.  I didn't know anything else, but I'm glad I had brothers and sisters.  I try to keep up with them on a regular basis, especially Joy--I usually call her at least once a week.  And it's great when we get together, which for me is only once or twice a year since I live far from them.  We almost always have a good time.

         As a side note, my brother has told me some of the things he did back when he was younger.  I would have never known it had he not told me, but he and his friends used to get into my stuff sometimes.  I would have been so mad back then, but now we both laugh about it.   After all they were ornery kids at the time so I should have probably expected it.

          Family is pretty wonderful in my view.  I've got decent siblings and growing up with them was a good time.  Oh, and in case you didn't figure it out, the number of my siblings is four--two brothers and two sisters and I am the oldest.

            How many siblings do you have?   What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings now?   Are you oldest, youngest, or in the middle?

Secret Sister Strategy (Lost & Found: Valentine's Edition)

        This post is my Wrote By Rote entry for the Lost & Found: Valentine's Edition blog hop hosted by Guilie Castillo-Oriard, Alex J Cavanaugh, Denise Covey, Yolanda Renee, Elizabeth Seckman, and me.  Be sure to visit all of the hosts for this event.  To find the full list of participants visit the list on Tossing It Out or any of the host sites.  My post on Tossing It Out (appearing on February 1st) will also feature a related Battle of the Bands installment so please be sure to visit and vote if you can.

        Participants are sharing their stories and experiences concerning love lost and love found.   We all have stories in our lives relating to this matter.   I have several.  This is one of them--the most important one...

The Secret Sister Strategy

         As far as things go in my life 1992 was kind of a bad year for me.  My wife at the time and I had only been living in Los Angeles for less than a year when she seemed to go haywire.  The end result was that she left me and our daughters to pursue the proverbial greener grass that in the end was not all that green--but that's her story to tell and not mine.

          My world seemed upended as future dreams for that marriage were shattered and I was left to contend with holding down my job while attempting to provide as much stability and normalcy to my daughters' lives as I could muster.  With the help of God and a few well placed individuals I managed on through the next few years.  I was depressed and heartbroken, but I knew that life had to keep going.   I had kids to raise and a broken self to fix.

          A few relationships were attempted, but nothing seemed quite right with those so they didn't get far.  Those ladies wanted things to go further, but I was wary after having gotten burned already.  My priority was taking care of my children and that can be a hindrance to a relationship.  The main thing I wanted to avoid was getting involved in a relationship that wouldn't last.  When warning signals began flashing, my response was to back off and rethink the situation.  I was lonely for a partner, but I didn't want to take a step that might send me off of another emotional precipice.

        In 1996, after my oldest daughter had entered middle school, a different strategy evolved.  She had many friends, but there was one in particular that was her "best friends forever" type of friendship.  They became almost inseparable.  During their times together they obviously discussed their lives and found that they were in similar situations.   My daughter's friend's mother was also a struggling single parent.   Enthralled by the idea of becoming sisters so they could always be together they devised a scheme.

        The girls were at this time ready to enter high school.  An opportunity arose with the orientation for new students and their parents.  I sensed that something was afoot by hints my daughter had been dropping about meeting people on that evening.   After the orientation event was over, my daughter introduced me to her friend's mother.  As the girls slyly went ahead to giggle and chat with each other, this lady and I were left in an awkward position of making small talk.   My daughter's hints were not lost upon me so as we all parted I suggested to my new acquaintance that perhaps we could go out for dinner one night.  I got her phone number and told her I'd call later to make arrangements for our "date".

         As things turned out, Betty and I went out for our dinner date.  I was impressed and apparently so was she.  Betty was not confident about her ability to communicate since English was her second language, yet we always found plenty to talk about as we spent evenings on the phone and began going out on a regular basis.  Her communication was fine as far as I was concerned.   She was intelligent--after all she held a PhD and worked in the field of education.  After a year of dating we got married at the end of 1997.

        Most likely we would have never encountered one another on our own.   We found each other through the secret strategy of two young girls who wanted to be sisters.  Thanks to our daughters we were able to establish a new family.   They each gained a new parent and Betty and I gained new daughters.

           Now the girls are grown and have moved away to start their own lives and families.  Betty and I still have each other.   This year we'll celebrate our 19th anniversary.   We've been discussing our future plans for after Betty retires.   She's a wonderful lady with great values.  She is definitely a keeper.  I don't want to lose her.

           

Kids and Grandkids

 Tony Caris with extended family, Roma, 1937 Three generations of the Caris family are standing on the front steps to the house. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

     When I was a young kid, up to about eight years old, I had frequent contact with my grandparents, especially on my maternal side.  My family didn't live in the same town as my grandparents did, so visiting them or having them visit us was not usually a spur of the moment occurrence.  At various times we lived anywhere from two hundred to less than a hundred miles from them.   Weekend visits were fairly common.  I got to enjoy getting to know my grandparents and extended family fairly well during those first few years.  Still, these were visits and not part of my everyday life.

       Then we moved across the country and didn't see them for the next five years.  When my family later moved to Northern Indiana and then East Tennessee, we were still a bit too far for much more than one or two visits per year.  I was fortunate to have had at least some extended contact with my grandparents, but it was nothing like those who live nearby to theirs.

         With my own children it was a bit different.  They all had frequent visits with my parents as well as their mother's parents.  There were times when we actually stayed with my parents for extended periods or lived near to them.  Cheaper phone rates allowed my kids to have regular contact with the grandparents even when we were on the road or living at a distance.   My children were even closer to their grandparents than I was with mine.

         Now my children are across the country from me and I only get to see my grandchildren maybe twice a year if I'm lucky.   We have the technological advantage of easy phone contact and visual computer chat.  It's not the same as spending time with them and being able to hold them and hug them.  Maybe eventually I'll be able to live closer to all of them.  I hope so.

         Currently I'm in New Jersey with my girls and their girls.  The time has been going quickly.   I'm thankful that we've been able to have the time we have had.   These are special times that I hope one day will come more often.

          If your children are grown, do you see them often?   What about grandchildren--if you have any, are you able to spend much time with them?   Did you enjoy a relationship with your own grandparents?

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Christmas: A Time for Memoir Research

Family Christmas Eve 1958 (Photo credit: catchesthelight)

       The Christmas holiday season is here which means it's a good time to do research for that memoir you've been thinking about writing.  I'm not talking about libraries or hunkering over the computer--though if you have vacation time that needs filling, this type of research can also be a good thing.   The kind of research that suits this season best is time with family and friends, talking, sharing, and remembering.    This is some of the best memoir research we can do--and usually the most fun.

      Like many of us, you'll probably be spending time with loved ones who have played a role in your life.  Especially if you're with parents, siblings, and other family members, you can share memories and ask them to fill in the blanks.  Listen for new stories and information.

      Here are some tips:

• Conduct interviews--Try to capture it on video if you can.  For those who aren't hams or comfortable with being on camera get them used to talking on camera before delving into the serious topics.
• Take pictures -- Not just of people and events, but of things around the house that evoke memories.
• Break out the photo albums-- This doesn't have to be boring.  It's fun to peruse the old albums to talk about old times and people from the past.
• Make a game out of remembering-- Start an outline or timeline and get everyone to fill in what they remember.
• Take a drive--Visit places from your past or places with stories behind them.
• Have a family video chat--Everyone gather around the computer and have a video visit with another relative who can't be with you.  
• Get plenty of one on one time--The group gatherings are great fun, but richer detail with less inhibition can be garnered with individual conversations.
• Let the kids get involved--Sometimes younger people don't care what older folks did in their day, but if they show interest tell them what they want to hear about and let them ask questions.  They may provide a different way of looking at things.
• Write it down!--Have a journal or notebook handy for recording thoughts, quotes, and observations.  In quiet times alone write down what you've done, what people have said, and your reflections about your visits.

        Whether you're writing you memoir or just in case one day you might, if you do the things I've listed here, you'll have a good resource for remembering.  What you do in this time might be something you won't have an opportunity to do later.  Take some time to remember and record those memories for posterity.

          Will you be visiting with relatives and close family during the holidays?   Do you have any genealogy buffs or family historians among your relatives?    What are some ideas that you would suggest for doing memoir research during the holidays?

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Yearning ( #atozchallenge )

Marley in  March of 2011

   
     One of the strongest feelings of love is yearning.   When separation from a loved one causes those feelings of wanting to be with them so much that we are thinking of them throughout the day, that is yearning. Yearning is like a fire in the heart.  A memo on the brain attached with a tack.  

          My wife and I have two granddaughters who live on the opposite coast from us.  We don't see them much, but we have a yearning to be with them.  Especially my wife.   She talks about them daily.  She'll buy them things when she goes to the store.  They have stolen parts of our heart.

        This week one of the granddaughters will be coming to visit us for a weekend.  My wife can hardly wait, the yearning is so strong in her.   We both are thrilled because this is the oldest grandchild--she'll be five in September.   A weekend will go so fast, but it's what we've got for now.

          Someday we'll figure this out.   We've got a third grandchild on the way.  Grandparents and grandchildren shouldn't have to live on opposite coasts.  Yes, we need to figure this one out.

            Who do you have a yearning to see and spend time with?    What has been the biggest yearning in your life?  

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Memories of Baby Life: Do We Have Accurate Recall?

The first stage (the developmental years) intrigues me because I wonder how much I REALLY remember. My parents and grandparents were great about repeating stories of all the cute and funny things I did as a kid. As a result I have pictures in my head of where events took place, but I wonder if the memories are mine or if I created them. 

In a comment from Wendy from Jollett etc. (memoir blog)

This is one of my mother's favorite baby photos of me.  I don't remember doing this, but my mother says that I loved getting up on this table and pretending to use the phone.  I do recall seeing this photo often when I was very young.  Looking at family photographs with my mother was a favorite childhood activity.

Baby Life:

The developmental years of infancy to preschool age childhood. (from birth to about age 5)

        A while back I presented the post Stages of Life for the Purpose of Memoir which promised a series of posts addressing each of those stages.  In this first of the series we will discuss the earliest years from birth until the time when we begin school.  

        Some might even make an argument that the memories that help shape who we are could begin before birth while we are still in the womb.  It is known that fetuses respond to various stimuli and that brain waves can be detected in the very early stages of fetal development.   There are even those who suggest that we are conceived with collective genetic memories or instincts.  Since both of these stances are highly debatable we will only mention these possibilities for consideration.  

        A greater case can be made for the influence of events experienced starting at the moment that we enter the world at birth.   The emergent child with normal sensory faculties now becomes aware of the world around them.   The infant is rapidly absorbing experiences and learning at what will probably be a faster pace of any time in life.  

       The bombarding assault of knowledge may be a hindrance to memory for most of us, yet there are some who have claimed to have memories starting at birth.  This seems unlikely as does the claim of memories in the earliest weeks and months of babyhood.  But still, the subtle influences of our environment and those who enter our lives can have an affect on who we will become and what we will believe as we grow into adulthood.

         

I can't remember my first birthday, but I do seem to remember sitting in this wooden highchair.  Perhaps  the chair was used by my younger sister and I actually remember seeing her sitting in it and project myself into that memory of her.  Or it might merely be that I looked at this photo so often that being actually in the chair seems to be a tangible recollection.  I seem to remember the feel of the wood and the way the tabletop surrounded me.   An actual memory?    I can't say for sure.

           There is little doubt that the stories we hear from our parents and others settle into our psyches to become the basis of our memories of very early life.  We absorb conversations around us attaching our own interpretations to them even when we don't understand what is being discussed.  Connections that we make with our personal objects, the places we live, and experiences we have teach us lessons about the world and provide information for future applications.  

            How accurate are the memories of babyhood?   If those memories can be corroborated by people who were there, most notably our parents, then the memories are quite possibly real memories if presented independently of stories we have heard previously.  Most likely though we have at sometime in the past heard the stories and don't realize it.

             Memories might be also confirmed by finding documentation that back up those memories.   Photos or other recorded mediums that we discover later in life could be a good source.  Old newspaper clippings or even historical documentaries that we view may revive memories that we have.  Comparing when something happened to the memory we have can also be helpful.

             I have many distinct memories that go back to when I was three years old and hazy recollections that may go back to my second year of life.  I have dated these according to places I lived as a child, cars that my parents owned, and specific events that happened.  

            For example, I distinctly remember my sister and I playing in an old Hudson automobile.   My parents got rid of that car prior to 1955--I turned four years old in January of 1955.  I can recall going to Michigan for my aunt's funeral in 1955.  I have several memories of a carnival tour my parents worked with their juggling act in 1955.  The memories are not contiguous as a historical progression of time, but rather highlighted moments that stand out in my mind.   As a child we have little concept of the flow of time so it makes sense that I cannot put the early memories the context of a linear progression of time.  Even in later life this is sometimes the case.

           There are many things that played a big role in shaping me to be who I am now.  One that stands out was that my mother used to say, "You have a memory like an elephant."   I liked hearing my mother say this and I believe this played a big role in reinforcing my ability to remember things.  Later, this ability became a big help to me in school.   Even now, though my memory isn't always the best, I do tend to remember a lot of details about certain things.

          Also the constant exposure to show business instilled me with a desire to be in the entertainment business and led me to be interested in all things cultural.  This interest influenced my play time in childhood and the types of jobs I pursued in adulthood.   My dream aspirations in life as well as my dreams of sleep are often related to the entertainment profession. 

          Clearly, the words my parents reinforced me with and the things that impressed me in childhood made me who I am.  Most of my memories seem to be related to these life-shaping influences.   In a way, I am much the same now as I was when I was four years old.  The biggest difference between then and now is that I know and remember more.

          What do you remember from early childhood?    Do you see any connection to what you became as an adult to how you were influenced as a baby?    What do you see as being your biggest influences in your earliest stages of development?   Can you remember or have you ever known anyone who remembers actually experiencing their own birth?

More of my baby photos can be found at the Baby Faces BlogFest on Tossing It Out.

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Are We Talking About Food Again?

A delicious-looking meal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

         So I was talking on the phone to my mother and she was telling me about what they'd had for lunch and about how my sister was going to buy pizza that evening and invite my brother and his family over.  I was kind of envious because I really liked the pizza at Giovanni's when I ordered it during my visit there last month.  That's in Maryville, Tennessee where most of my family lives and it's welcome to see a darn good Italian restaurant opened up in that area.

          When I was there at Giovanni's I ordered a New York style pizza with anchovies, onions, and pepperoncinis.  Not many takers on this one which was okay by me since it's my favorite kind of pizza and taking some leftovers home wasn't all that bad.  My brother and youngest sister both tried some and they liked it.  That surprised me since I usually don't find many others who like anchovies.   Maybe it's kind of a family thing.

            After talking about the topic of their meals with my mother, I told her about the meal I had fixed the previous evening for my wife and I and how much my wife had enjoyed it.  Then I went on to describe the big breakfast I was planning for Saturday morning--a feast that would include scrambled eggs, patty sausage,  potatoes O'Brian, biscuits, and gravy.   We do enjoy our Saturday morning breakfasts.

         At this point my mother interjected, "All you do is talk about food."

         Initially I protested that this was not so because food is not the only thing I talk about, but then conceded that I do talk about food a lot.  When the family is together we often go off on the topic of food.  I've found this to be true in many scenarios with other people as well.  After all we all have to eat, eating can be very enjoyable, and what better thing to talk about since we all probably have some interesting food stories to tell.

           Especially when the family is all together for the holidays we'll talk about what we're going to have for dinner that night, go off on a food buying mission for ingredients, spend time preparing the meal, and then talk about food while we're eating and after the meal.   Eating is inevitable and the meals together can be significant events.

            Now don't get me wrong, we talk about plenty of other things, but the meals are the catalysts for getting together and having conversations.   When I think about the pot lucks, the restaurant outings, ceremonial meals for things like weddings and birthdays, and all of the other ritualistic gatherings in which food is consumed, I realize the importance of breaking bread together.  

            As many of us gather together for Thanksgiving and other holiday meals in the coming weeks, conversations will be flowing.  The meals can be excellent prompts to delve into memories of the past.  People who have passed on will be remembered.   Stories of days gone by will be told.   Favorite recipes will be shared.  There's nothing like a happy meal together and the conversation that goes with it.

            What's for dinner?

             Do you find that food is a common topic of discussion when you are with others?   At gatherings with family or friends is meal preparation and consumption an important part of the day?   Have you found meal times to be useful for gathering information and enjoying entertaining stories?



         

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Lessie Nell and Essie Dell

Image via Wikipedia

Main Street Roswell, New Mexico

          In my Tossing It Out posting from yesterday I mentioned that I had relatives in Roswell, New Mexico.  The following is what I know of this part of my family according to what I was told to the best of my recollection.  There may be some inaccuracies and if there are perhaps I will be able to rectify these later.  To my knowledge the information is at least mostly true if not totally true.

          My grandmother was a twin.   Lessie Nell and Essie Dell Wilson were born in 1903 near Morgantown, West Virginia.   In the early 1920s, shortly after the sisters graduated from high school, their family decided to move to Sweet Grass, Montana.  My grandmother chose to stay in West Virginia and marry Paul Hough Trevillian.  Also staying behind and marrying were two other sisters, Flossie Lanoe, and Lovie Ethel.  My grandparents lived in Morgantown until my grandfather died in 1972.  My grandmother remained in Morgantown for several years after that, later moving to Philadelphia to live with one of her daughters--my aunt.

           But this story is about my Great Aunt Essie.  After moving out west she only returned to West Virginia once in about 1935 with her husband and two children.  My mother, who would have been about seven at the time, vaguely recalls the visit, but does not remember how they got there.  She's pretty sure they came by car--probably from Montana--but she can't say for sure.  Other than that the sisters never saw one another again as far as I know.

          I'm not totally sure why they moved, but I would imagine it was for economic reasons.  Perhaps Mr. Wilson was taking advantage of the oil boom that was starting up in Montana in those days.  Essie met Roy, the man who became her husband, after moving to Montana.  I'm pretty sure that Roy ended up in the oil business as he and Essie eventually uprooted their young family first to Wyoming and then finally to Roswell, both places with strong ties to the oil industry.

           I don't know whether they moved to Roswell before or after the alleged UFO crash in 1947 that has brought such fame to the city, but it was probably somewhere around that time when they settled there and lived for the rest of their lives.

          During the eighties when the show I was managing had yearly bookings in Roswell, I would always find some time to visit Aunt Essie.   Her husband Roy had died in 1983, so since I never met him I know my visits started after that year.  My wife, daughter, and I would go to the house where she lived with her son, Roy Jr., who was probably about sixty years old.  We would always be joined by Essie's daughter Phyllis and her husband.

           We'd share stories about the family members in the east and the west who rarely had opportunities to see each other.  Aunt Essie would pull out photo albums to show me a pictorial family history of the side that I rarely heard anyone on the more familiar side of the family discuss.   These were pictures of strangers who had been separated by distance and time.

            It was kind of funny that though Essie Dell and Lessie Nell were twins, they were not identical twins.  They looked nothing alike and behaved in very different manners.  My grandmother Lessie was a tall, thin woman who looked dignified and spoke like an intellectual.   My Aunt Essie was short and had a down-home air about her.  They both had keen senses of humor and were just as sweet as they could be.  If you'd met them you'd never known they were from the same family.

          Visiting Aunt Essie and her family became a yearly event for me and my family.  I don't remember ever going to see the UFO museum in Roswell.  In retrospect I wish I had brought the UFO crash topic up with my relatives to see what their take on the story was and if they had anything to add to what I'd  heard about it.  Folks in Roswell probably find the tourists' focus on UFO aliens a bit amusing, but I'm sure they welcome the influx of dollars spent in the community.

           My last visit to Roswell was in 1988.  My grandmother died not long after I visited Aunt Essie.  That visit would be the last time I would see Essie and her family.  After that final tour we would settle down in Tennessee for a few years.  A second child had been born to us and our oldest was now of school age.  The road life had ended and so had our yearly visits to my various relatives around the country.

             Aunt Essie died in 1993 at age 90.  I would imagine that Roy Jr. and Phyllis still live in Roswell, but I don't keep in touch so I don't know for sure.  It seems like an odd place to end up, but if you've been somewhere for years why move?  It's kind of a shame that I haven't kept in touch.

            Sometimes it happens.  Families move away and drift apart.  It's like branches being cut off a tree and replanted elsewhere to grow new trees.  One family tree is the beginning, but then it turns into a whole bunch of family trees growing all over the country.  Throughout the country I have family that I know about and probably some that I don't even know exist.

           The nice thing about traveling was that I got to see some of those kinfolk sometimes.  The bad thing about not traveling is not traveling, just being at home, missing those family times. But I guess that can be a good thing too.  You just take the good with the bad and then realize that the bad isn't really always all that bad.  Nothing stays the same anyway.


            Next Saturday Susan Kane from thecontemplativecat and Susan Kane, Writer sits down for a fun and  informational chat with me.   I think you'll like this interview a lot.