The Beatles "For No One"
For No One
Two divorces in my life were two too many. There weren't supposed to be any or did I misunderstand something? I could have sworn I'd heard something about "Until death do us part". Maybe it was just something people say in a ritual.
My parents never got a divorce. They had been married 40 years when my father died. Divorce was rather scandalous when I was growing up. I knew very few kids whose parents had been divorced. Then I got divorced. Not once, but twice.
From the outset of each marriage I thought I'd found my perfect mate. I had no reason to believe that those marriages wouldn't last until the end of my life. I guess attitudes were different than when my parents got married. It was a generation of new ideas and individualism. Or was it bad old ideas and selfishness?
It's a bit difficult to think back with an objective viewpoint to understand how it all happened. My first wife and I actually discussed the circumstances twenty-some years after the divorce and we agreed that we probably screwed up, but there was nothing left to do but forgive and move on with our lives as they are. We're on friendly terms when we do communicate, but that's rarely. Just when it's something regarding our son who will be 37 in July.
My second wife is a different story entirely. That marriage lasted far longer than my first and then inexplicably it all ended. I don't know why. And we haven't spoken since that time. I'm not sure how she feels about it all, but for me there was a lot of hurt that has faded into my past. I probably don't need to know now because now it probably no longer matters.
I'm done with divorce. I've been married to my present wife for going on 18 years and things are very nice. I'm in it for the "death do us part" thing. Marriage is supposed to weather storms and get through cloudy days. Divorce is not a real solution, it's just running away from the solutions that could have been agreed upon.
Have you had to deal with any divorce in your own family or your own marriage? Did you ever come close to getting a divorce but found a way to resolve it? How big of a problem do you think divorce is in modern society?
What a sad post. Not because you did not have a happy ending but in asking about divorces for others, I had to look at mine. I believed in for ever after and found that fairy tales aren't true. Great choice for a song and I have a happy ending too. 33 years to a devoted Beatles fan so I am totally familiar with this song.
ReplyDeletehttp://yeakleyjones.blogspot.com/
Divorce is devastating. It was devastating on my children, my parents and me. Lives went in different directions than they should have gone. Some were good directions and some were horrible. My ex and I rarely speak. As my daughter puts it, it's a cold war. However, it's not a war. I've forgiven him. He has not forgiven me. If he had, he'd be less bitter, in my opinion.
ReplyDeletePeople need to realize that there is no soul mate nor perfect person for you. You need to work hard at marriage. VERY hard. :)
When I was growing up, I knew no one whose parents were divorced. The first family we knew to suffer through that was exactly as you described: scandalous. Mind you, there were probably some unhappy marriages in our neighborhood, but nobody entertained the thought of divorce, even if it was only because of what the neighbors would think.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're happily married now and in it for the long haul. My husband and I have always had a strong marriage, even through some pretty rough times in our lives, but we are quick to tell people that just because it's good doesn't mean it's easy; you still have to work at it to make sure it's good.
I was about to write some negative comment about The Beatles (without having read your post first), but then I read the first couple sentences of the comment by Ann Hinds. Glad I did, because it caused me to go back and read the blog bit before I commented.
ReplyDeleteMy negative comment about The Beatles would have come across as so callous and uncaring, because you would have assumed that I'd read the post but focused only on the song.
Divorces... man, there's so much I could say (coming from a strong Biblical perspective) but I'm not really in a position to say anything with any authority.
I never married (and don't regret it). All I'd known about divorce is what I'd read and heard. But last year my Sister and her husband got divorced after about 25 years of marriage.
It hurt me, so I can only imagine how much it hurt my Sister, her husband, and their two children.
I think maybe marriages should just be outlawed and everyone should become celibate until this world becomes unpopulated by humans and is forgotten.
"This world" is just a sad, sad place. I can hardly wait until the day God releases me from it.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
I worked in family law for years so I've seen it all. I was married for 22 years but my husband refused to listen to me when I kept expressing my unhappiness, so he was blindsided when I left him for Russell. I am not sure I would have found the strength to leave if it wasn't for Russ. He divorced in 1996 after 3 kids and 10 tumultuous years of marriage and swore off it ever again, till he found me. This one is for keeps.
ReplyDeleteAnn -- The reality of modern relationships can sure shatter old-fashioned ideas about marriage.
ReplyDeleteTeresa -- So true about the hard work. When we're younger we want it all to be fun and romance, but it seems that reality often gets in the way of those ideals.
Lynda -- I don't think many couples travel an easy path all the time. There's bound to be troubles now and then.
StMc --The songs in my series are more to set moods and provide inspirations for the stories. I do like this song though--especially the classical sound of the arrangement.
JoJo -- It's not good when one half of a couple is unhappy and the other doesn't care. Communication is so important.
Lee
My dad ran off with a young girl and left my mom and me in 1951. It was the scandal of our small town. I was devastated. I've been married 49 years. We went through some rough years when we almost gave up on us but we held on. I'm glad that we did because we have a sweet relationship now with lots of love. I'm glad that you found your "keeper".
ReplyDeleteThis story is highly inspirational, not only for those who continue to be together and are struggling to hold on, but for those who were caught up and struggled in between rifts and new marriage. To see that your son has reach such years means that they can go through life too and keep on, even amidst a domestic situation that would be different for a lot, if not most of people.
ReplyDeleteThe Bridge Across
Lee-
ReplyDeleteSince I am catching up on these posts, none of your commenters will know how much it makes he happy that they acknowledge the impact of divorce.
My first experience with divorce was when my sister ended her first marriage (she's had four), and I saw what it did to my nephew. Then my brother's marriage dissolved, and I saw what it did to his kids.
They all survived to become really neat adults, but my sister to this day believes divorce has no impact on a child and I am glad so many people see that it does.
I am not being critical-I've never married. But I know a divorce would have been pretty devastating for me.
So while I am sad for the pain you all went through, I am glad you at least learned from it.
LC
I completely agree with you. The trouble about marriage nowadays is that couples view divorce as an easy way out, so they just resolve on it rather than solving their problems at hand. I think every couple will go through a lot of hard times and they have to settle it through communication and mutual understanding. That is by far the biggest problem because, at times, one of them will refuse to yield. I truly wish you and your wife happiness. You have the positive mindset about your marriage. I know you'll get through the obstacles. Have a great day! :)
ReplyDeleteHoward Kurtz @ Kurtz & Blum