Beach Boys "In the Back of My Mind" (1965)
In the Back of My Mind
With as many blessings as I've had in my life and so much support from family and friends, you'd think I'd be bursting with confidence. But I've often had my fears. There were many times I've felt alone. Times when I didn't think I'd do good at the things I was supposed to do. Things usually turned out well for the most part. I would fear failure, but I'd almost always succeed if I pursued something. It's just that sometimes I just didn't try to do things because I was afraid.
Good grades came relatively easy for me and my teachers liked me. I was a good kid and never made much trouble. In college I took a bit of a turn for the worse, but it was a rebellious time in the early seventies and I was not particularly thrilled with college anyway. Not that I was trouble, but scholastically speaking I was a bit lackadaisical. And I lacked focus.
Once I entered the world of work I was back to my milieu of succeeding. In the first job I actually got on my own (without my father's influence) I was immediately hired as assistant manager. I was placed in positions of trust and well-liked by the other employees. I masked my lack of confidence in my abilities and gained the confidence of those who had hired me.
That was basically my job history from then on. I almost always ended up in a management position and in the cases were I didn't it was because I had turned down management offers. I guess I should have been super confident in everything I did, but still I was scared. What if I failed? What if I got fired?
Too bad marriage and relationships aren't more like jobs. You never really know absolutely what the other person is thinking. Of course my wives didn't know everything I was thinking either I suppose. I'm a big believer in openness and good communication. But showing fear often displays weakness when it's the fear of what can happen in a relationship.
When it's over for good you can replay everything and question your actions. I reexamined every conversation I could remember, every look, every action. I don't know that many good answers can be found when it comes to thinking about things that happened in moments in the past.
What has already happened has happened. What's going to happen is going to happen. I'm only human. Certain fears will always be in the back of my mind. Let them bug me, but I can't let them rule me.
Do you often have insecurities? Have you lived a blessed life? Do you ever see yourself as somewhat neurotic?
Oh I have TONS of insecurities that make me very neurotic. I suppose parts of my life have been blessed....certainly the last 3+ years have, since getting together with Russell.
ReplyDeleteHi Lee - life has made me more confident and I'm positive in my outlook .. so I'm lucky. I've just on with things ... I haven't been that successful - but I've enjoyed my time ..
ReplyDeleteBeach Boys were a fantastic band to have around in those early days .. cheers Hilary
Very relevant post. Interesting how often we go to that unconfident place. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteBeth
http://bethlapinsatozblog.wordpress.com/
You know what???? I'm really enjoying your Wrote by Rote posts.
ReplyDeleteI feel I've lived a blessed life and try to feel content where I am. I'm such a saint aren't I? :) :) More like a Mother Teresa. Right?
I led a blessed life up until I met my husband. I too did well in school was loved by all.
ReplyDeleteThen I met a charming man who turned out to be an abuser, physically and emotionally and even though we are now divorced it seems that the charmed life I had never really came back.
I have my insecurities and my trust issues with men and relationships.
But as a whole, I am a happy person, which is good.
JoJo -- Start counting your blessings and I'm sure there will be so many that you lose track of how there are.
ReplyDeleteHilary -- I'm much the same way as you describe, but still there are always those little things in the back of my mind that nudge my doubt.
Beth - I think it's a natural thing to have some doubt that causes us to question things.
Teresa -- Thank you! And I'm enjoying writing these. You may not be a saint, but you are kind of saintly.
Alicia -- That happiness from within will permeate the rest of your being eventually if you allow it. It's sad when another can steal our sense of happiness.
Lee
I have every Beach Boy album ever produced and have been to more concerts than I remember and I don't know this song. That's pretty scary. I have been blessed my whole life and I am grateful. I am no longer insecure and I don't have any doubts. Maybe it's because I'm old enough to have acquired some wisdom. Life isn't always easy but I don't worry about tomorrow. Great post and thanks for sharing this piece of music.
ReplyDeleteI can appear confident when I need to, and even feel confident more often than not. But it's funny how the littlest things will make me feel insecure, usually for no valid reason. In the end, though, I can't let them dictate my actions.
ReplyDeleteI have a habit of rerunning conversations as I drive home from work, meetings etc just to assure myself that I have reacted appropriately.
ReplyDeleteInsecurities plague most people whether they admit it or not.
Great post.
When I saw this post title, I was half-expecting the Nazz song...although that is just called "Back Of My Mind."
ReplyDeleteLC
I was a demon with the 'publish" button.
ReplyDeleteInsecurities? Yes-still fear asking a lady out (probably why I am still single-they seem to like more confidence than I project).
Blessed life? Yes! Even though a companion would enrich my life, I have been very fortunate in both my career and personal life.
Neurotic....does anyone think their neuroses are unusual?
LC
Ann-- The song is from the album Yesterday and Today. Side one was a string of hits while side 2 was a collection of mellow songs. Side 2 was my favorite.
ReplyDeleteLynda -- I'm pretty much the same way.
Erica --Oh gosh, I've done this more times than I can count!
Larry -- We're all pretty much the same I think. That asking a lady out can be a tough one. Rejection doesn't feel good and it's always a possibility. Being single does have perks though.
Lee