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One of the most devastating things that ever happened to me was when someone whom I cared for deeply essentially said something to the effect of, "I don't care about you anymore."
I won't go into any details, but it was one of those situations that raised so many questions in my mind. I had thought we had been in a long term relationship that was real and meaningful. I had imagined nothing but a future for us. Then that bombshell hit.
What about the words spoken in the past? Had they been meaningless utterances? Promises broken. An emotional investment gone bankrupt. Why? How?
I have never gotten any answers from that parting and now the years have dried the tears. Some memories of our life together remain if I focus on them and dredge them up, but mostly they seem like good years for me spent with a cardboard cut-out of someone of my dreams. She's now like an empty space with a name; she's someone I barely remember in the way I should remember her. Dishonest in her supposed love perhaps, or maybe just derailed by circumstances of her life that she left hidden from me.
She said she no longer cared and then I wondered if she really had cared before that. Surely she must have cared for a while. I cared. And then I cared after she said she didn't. Then eventually I just didn't think about it and found someone else to care about.
One of the greatest elements of the love relationship is caring. You care about someone because you love them and you love them because you care about them. Caring is a two way street in the love relationship. When one side stops caring, the other party is just crying out in a vacuum, words falling upon a vast plain of hurt.
What do you do to show those you love that you care? Have you ever just ended a relationship with questions unanswered and not caring?
Yes, I have left with questions unanswered. Time has helped me quell the intense desire to explain or patch-up. I'd say the worst thing in a relationship when people say "I don't care for you anymore" is letting go of the friendship that eventually built up to something more.
ReplyDeleteWe live to learn, eh? :)
Meera
I have ended relationships with lots of unanswered questions -- the relationship may have gone, but the caring hasn't.
ReplyDeleteI love my son and daughter who live here in the UK to bits but it's not returned, It's a devasting feeling to feel they don't care about me, they are depriving my grandchildren to see me and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteI do have another son in Spain who is fine but how I long for a proper family relationships again.
Yvonne.
Relationships are immensely complex. I've learned so much in recent years about what it means to see and be seen in relationships. I left someone once years ago w/o a clear explanation but I didn't have one to give him. A few years after that, someone did the same to me.
ReplyDeleteAt this point in my life, I have a much richer understanding of myself. I know that I need to be seen and, if I believe I have disappeared in a relationship, then it will crumble. It's complicated.
Your last sentence hit home and brought a tear to my eye.
ReplyDeleteWhen I left my husband of 22 years, it wasn't b/c I stopped caring, but because he did. Yet it blindsided him and he asked why I didn't tell him I was unhappy. I then had to remind him of the years and years of telling him, begging, pleading, cajoling, shaming, joking, yelling, bitching....all met with a passive aggressive response or 'you're not my mother'.
ReplyDeleteI am now in a relationship with the love of my life. I show him daily how much I love and care for him, even though he's on the road as a trucker. Sweet texts, taking care of stuff at the house, making sure the fridge is stocked with his fave things when he comes off the road. When he's home I spoil him rotten, constantly hugging & kissing, holding his hand. He treats me like a queen.
I do everything I can to be there for the people I care about.
ReplyDeleteHugs and chocolate,
Shelly
It's always hard to turn off the care switch--even when the relationship has ended :)
ReplyDeleteNutschell
www.thewritingnut.com
Hi Lee - I can hear and feel your pain ... those unanswered questions - will be just that .. and we'll never find out ... I have a few like that but not in your circumstances - fortunately I've just been able to move on and don't worry about them - as someone said to me during my mother's illness - it's the now that's important and the future .. and I don't dwell ..
ReplyDeleteWith thoughts - caring is just so lovely an act and emotion .. cheers Hilary
I think one way to show love is to spend time with that person, meaningful time spent in conversation.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite post of all the many I've read today because I felt the pain of a long-time friendship ending due to rejection by a couple I thought I'd be friends with until we died.
I appreciate the comments today for this story.
ReplyDeleteLee
I found, with both my parents, that when they were well & helping others(as they always did), lots of people cared for them & were in turned cared for by them...but...once my parents could not "do" for others, those people disappeared rather quickly.~Mary
ReplyDeleteDear Lee, mostly, to show those I love that I care about them I pick up the phone and call them for a long conversation or I call and say, "Let's go out to lunch." I try to maintain contact to show that I care. Peace.
ReplyDeleteArlee,
ReplyDeleteRelationships are complex. It takes two to make it work. If only one tries, the relationship is sure to fail.
In my younger years I did leave without an explanation. Now well into my 50's I have so many regrets!!
ReplyDeleteConnie #133
A to Z Challenge.
Peanut Butter and Whine
This was quite touching... and deep. I really enjoy your writing. I love your Christian writing and this very much. I look forward to seeing what you write tomorrow for "D."
ReplyDeleteThis post is still lingering in my mind.
Dana
Waiter, drink please!
Mary -- That is very sad, but it's true that sometimes we find ourselves abandoned after giving much to others.
ReplyDeleteDee -- I used to call people much more than I do now. I need to start again.
Karen -- This is so true. One person does not make a relationship.
Connie -- I think many of us probably regret things we've done in our past.
Dana -- I appreciate your reading and the feedback as well. Thank you.
Lee